Wake up!

On April 17, 2022, the course of my life changed completely. I was working the night shift as a nurse and it was an average day so far. Since it was late at night, all the patients were sleeping so I had my husband on the phone in my AirPod while I worked at a computer. He was reading his new Bible for the first time and neither of us knew much about it, or religion in general. When it was about 3:00, I went to take my lunch break as usual. Since I was alone in the break room, I stayed on the phone with my husband and we took turns reading the Bible to each other over the phone. It was when I read a passage that was said by Jesus that I got a weird, vague feeling of unworthiness at saying the words Jesus himself spoke. Immediately my head started pounding so I stopped reading and before long I was overwhelmed with nausea and was sick. “Great”, I thought, “I’m going to have to have to finish the rest of my shift with this migraine or stomach bug since the hospital is chronically understaffed”. But when I went to the charge nurse, she was able to find an extra nurse easily, and I was sent home. Not only was I pleased to get to go home and rest, but it was also Easter Sunday so I was happy to be able to get some sleep before the Easter festivities.

When I got home, my husband was still awake and reading. I felt much better at this point, so we got to reading the Bible together again. Leading up to this my husband and I were never religious nor did we ever attend church, but he had started showing interest in Christianity. I did not share that same interest, but I was very supportive and gifted him the Bible we were reading. As he was reading to me, I sat silently and with my eyes closed. We had a solfeggio frequency playing for relaxing background noise. When suddenly, my husband began to pray for me and placed his hand on shoulder. He commanded, “Leave now in Jesus’ name!” Which of course had me feeling uneasy and skeptical, but I remained silent and with my eyes closed. Then, my mind went blank, I had no thoughts, no emotion as he collapsed in tears next to me. Almost like I forgot how I was supposed to be, feel, and think. He had had a vision of a dark energy leaving me, leaving our home, and went to call his uncle who is a pastor.

While I was still skeptical, there was no denying that I felt… different. A sense of lightness I hadn’t felt in a long time was upon me. I hadn’t slept in almost 24 hours but I was full of energy and excited about life. Could it be true? Did I just experience true deliverance? Is God actually real ? And does he really care about me?!

These questions were huge because at the time I was totally spiritually asleep. In the years preceding this I struggled with mental illness and was being treated for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and binge eating disorder. I took a handful of prescription medication daily and met with a therapist weekly but was only getting worse. I was put on lithium because of persistent suicidal thoughts and I had no idea how to regulate my emotions so I would lash out in fits of rage at my husband. Needless to say I was totally hopeless about my future and according to the doctors, I would be on medication for the rest of my life. My husband on the other hand was an alcoholic and we struggled with his binge drinking for the years that I was mentally ill. Every week when Friday came, he would have a beer “to relax” after work but wouldn’t stop drinking until Sunday. With the alcoholism came another addiction that allowed him to stay awake for the entire weekend while he drank. Between the two of us with our issues there were many times our marriage could have ended but it didn’t. No matter how bad it got we always chose each other and I think that’s what led us to this fateful day in 2022.

In the weeks leading up to that day, my husband was becoming more and more interested in Christianity after attending a church service at his parents home. I, on the other hand, was introduced to the idea of “spiritual awakening” on the Internet but didn’t really understand what it meant. Being a nurse and bookworm, I prided myself on my logic and knowledge. I was never into that “woo woo” spiritual stuff, only cold hard facts for me. I wasn’t exactly an atheist, but my concept of God was cold and distant, being raised by a religiously traumatized Catholic. Because of this and the small amount of negative encounters with “Christians” I was absolutely NOT interested in Christianity. But with the help of the Internet (thanks TikTok) I was beginning to learn what spirituality really is, as well as the difference between spirituality and religion. Not long before the big day and after a series of seemingly unrelated events, it became clear to me that I had indeed experienced a spiritual awakening, or an awakening to the reality that I am spirit, without any religious dogma. This gave me some feelings of confusion when big things started changing in my life as a result of my deliverance.

After the experience with my husband, I intuitively felt that I didn’t need to take one of my medications anymore. I would take a stimulant (similar to adderal) for binge eating disorder in the mornings and I had even come to rely on this medication to wake me up most days. The purpose of the medication was to curb my appetite so as not to binge eat (I did anyway) and I was convinced that without it I would be even heavier than I already was. Even so, I stopped taking it without the advice of my doctor. (I do not advise anyone to do this!!!) I was shocked to discover that I felt fine and did not gain any weight or even have an increase in binge eating. Once I adjusted, I realized that without my daily stimulant, I had almost no anxiety. It felt so liberating to get off one of my meds, so I took it upon myself to decrease my anxiety medication next. This time, I talked to my psychiatrist about it. Like any sane person would, he told me not to stop taking it, as taking it daily is what is keeping my anxiety at bay. I wasn’t happy with that answer and stopped taking it anyway. (Again, I do not advise this for anyone else). But intuitively I just KNEW that I didn’t need it anymore. I was even willing to keep taking it if I needed it! I didn’t end up needing it and after another week or so, I stopped taking my night time/sleep medication. As the weeks went by, I was only taking my mood stabilizing medication and it felt like all the fog in my brain was lifting. I felt mentally clear and even started feeling hopeful about the future! Throughout this process I very carefully monitored my mood and thoughts, because I was terrified that my symptoms would come back or worse, I was going crazy. They never did come back and I eventually weaned myself off my mood stabilizer and never looked back.

I wish I could say I lived happily ever after but this was only the beginning. The major symptoms of my mental illness were gone, healed miraculously by God, but I still had to learn how to regulate my emotions on a daily basis. Now that I was spiritually “awake”, I (falsely) believed that my life would be sunshine and rainbows forevermore. I wanted to pray and fast, meditate, heal inner wounds, reconnect with nature, read tons of books, meet like-minded people, and become enlightened all while being in my house and on my phone. I was stuck in my bad habits, and there were many, so I began trying to make small changes. I started making healthier food choices, tried some guided meditations on YouTube, and started journaling again. On my days off, I would spend hours reading books about spirituality and really wanted to be alone. It also became harder to go to work because my worldview and priorities changed so much. I wanted to change my habits and live a healthier, more “spiritual” lifestyle all at once but I felt stuck and didn’t know where to start. It felt like there was so much to do and so little time. So I began my walk on the spiritual path with what felt like an overstuffed suitcase in each hand and an overwhelming sense of hope and excitement for what is to come.